The One That Got Away
by PennyForYourThoughts024
Summary: Clay's thoughts after listening to his tape. Obvious spoilers ahead. Sort of a songfic, as you can tell by the title. Oneshot.


**AN: Hey guys! So I recently finished 13 Reasons Why, and man, what a powerful show it was. I loved the journey and I think the show sends a very powerful message that needs to be discussed and debated on. I believe that it's more than just a normal Netflix show - it's something deeper that needs to be brought to the forefront of today's youngsters. With that said, this fanfic isn't about that - it focuses on the relationship between Clay and Hannah. The song I've used here is 'The One That Got Away' by Katy Perry. Self explanatory, really. Enjoy!**

 **DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanfiction. 13 Reasons Why is owned by Jay Asher. Please support the official release.**

* * *

" _Stop it!"_

" _I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"_

" _No, just don't. Leave me alone, Clay."_

" _Hannah, I'm so sorry, I –"_

" _Just….just leave me alone, Clay. You should just go."_

" _Hannah, at least – "_

" _I don't want you here, get out!"_

"… _..are you all r-"_

" _GET THE FUCK OUT!"_

* * *

Clay closed his eyes as the conversation replayed in his head over and over again. The park bench was cold but he didn't even feel it, too engrossed in his misery to even think of anything else other than the girl that he had let down.

The girl that he killed.

The girl that he **loved**.

' _Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I do something? I could have saved her – I could have changed something – I could have prevented this from happening!'_ He remembered the conversation he had with Tony after he listened to the tape.

" _Why? Why shouldn't I just jump – just let go?"_

" _So you could die? Reunite with Hannah forever?"_

" _Oh, fuck you Tony."_

" _You think you could have changed things! What does that make you, God?"_

' _Maybe not God, Tony, but at least I would have been there for her. I would have helped her, I would have listened to her, her troubles, her fears, her dreams…'_ , Clay thought bitterly as the wind blew gently around him, rustling through the trees and grass at his feet. He stared longingly at the slide, the very same one that Hannah had slid down from on her date with Justin. He realized that this place must have been one of the many things she remembered when she pushed him away that night.

" _Because it's easy for you, right? Because you're not the class slut."_

" _No – don't say that…"_

" _Why? Everyone says it."_

"… _..I don't."_

" _ **Yes you did!**_ _When you saw that picture!"_

Even though the conversation never happened, the words stung Clay. He clenched his fists at the memory of that stupid photo. _'I should have told her to shrug it off. I should have been there for her, not be an asshole and be angry about it. I was being selfish and idiotic. I wish I could take it back, but I can't.'_

" **Why didn't you say this to me when I was alive?"**

Hannah's voice, as clear as day, ran through Clay's head, and he froze.

" _I wanted you to everything you were doing. So I don't know why my mind took me everywhere else. I thought of every other guy…..and they all became you."_

Clay screwed his eyes shut, the tears leaking down his face and falling down to the ground below. He wanted to say sorry, but he wasn't sure who he would be apologizing to. After all, Hannah wasn't here, was she? She was buried deep underground, her body slowly decaying as time went on until eventually, she would be just a skeleton, indistinguishable from the model they had in their biology lab. Clay sighed as he recalled all the good times they had, and all the hints and signs they both had dropped at each other, hoping, perhaps even praying, that something would materialize.

The way she nestled closer to him while watching the eclipse…

 _ **In another life…you would be my girl…..**_

The stolen glances they would give each other in class and in the hallway…

 _ **We'd keep all our promises, it'd be us against the world….**_

The way he held her so close to him in the dance, and the kiss that should have and would have happened…..

 _ **In another life…I would make you stay…**_

The moments alone together, at the theatre, at lunch, at the party….the future she imagined together with him, where she was happy…..

 _ **So I don't have to say you were the one that got away….**_

Clay finally let the dam break, his sobs echoing through the night. He said her name over and over again, as if saying it enough times might bring her back to life. He imagined her soft hair flailing about in the wind, her gentle touch against his, and most of all, her smile that made him feel like everything was going to be ok. He cried as he realized that **he** had contributed to her death. He was a reason why she killed herself. He was one of the causes for her to get into a bathtub, slit her wrists with a knife, and bleed out in agony, believing that no one cared about her and that the world would be better off without her.

He killed Hannah Baker. And that is a fact that will always haunt him.


End file.
